Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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