note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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