the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
