Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
