I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
