I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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