hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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