She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
