I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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