Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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