So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
