It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
