Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
