I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She told me I should be a condom model.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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