You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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