I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
