"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
