Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
