i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
