I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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