i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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