Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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