I hate your face
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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