Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
