and she was petting her beer can
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
