:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
