I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
