my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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