Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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