you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
