My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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