Fine. I'll sleep in my office
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
