They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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