talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You pole danced in your parka.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
