I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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