The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
