when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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