I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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