god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
