i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
