Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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