His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
