i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
