I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
