I skipped work to stalk him.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
