Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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