Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
