Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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