I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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