y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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