your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
