I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
